In my last post I mentioned that we are social beings that need connection. We crave connection with other people for a variety of reasons. For approval, a sense of belonging, confirmation, curiosity, learning, fulfillment, love, companionship, and many other reasons. Each of us connects to meet our own needs.
The methods for connecting can vary widely. You can connect through friends, social media, sports, spiritual communities, common interest groups, job related groups, political affiliations, or neighborhoods. Again, the methods to make that first connection vary widely and everyone uses the methods that work for them.
After the initial connection is made with a community of some sort, I've always found that I seem to connect more with two or three people in the community. I know fairly quickly who I connect with and with whom I want to deepen our connection. I've found many long lasting deep connections with people in these different communities.
No matter what methodology you use, the way you deepen connections is the same in any friendship.
How do you deepen connections?
- Be totally present when you listen to your friends. Hear what they are saying and what they aren't saying. In other words, don't be thinking about what you are going to say but really take in what they are saying and if you are face to face, what their body language is saying. Read between the lines.
- Be curious about the other person and ask open ended questions such as: What were you feeling when that happened? How did you handle it? What is your next step? I'm not clear about XYZ, what did you mean exactly? How did you prepare for that? What went through your mind when you heard that?
- Acknowledge what they are telling you. If a friend is sharing an accomplishment, celebrate it with them. Don't let them minimize the accomplishment. Congratulate them. Think about how you would want your friend to respond if you had great news and respond in kind. If they are sharing a deep sadness or hurtful experience ask them: How can I support you right now? How are you going to support yourself through this experience?
- Be supportive, but don't support the story. There is a fine line between supporting a friend and enabling the friend to dwell in the story. It's really easy to get into the details of the story. This simply makes your friend feel worse and it pulls you right down with them. It's important to listen and be supportive but sometimes your friend can unknowingly be asking you to support their misery. This does not serve them or you. They need to feel their feelings and then move on. The timeline varies from person to person. You will know when you have had enough of the story. Gently nudge them to take forward action.
- Be a good friend. A good friend is someone you can trust, be vulnerable with, and with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings. Be very aware of this precious gift of friendship and always honor the trust your friend has given you. Nurture it, grow it, and appreciate it and it will last a lifetime.
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